I am doing well because I am an optimist. I am doing well because I have the tools I need to keep myself grounded and to remain in the present. I am doing well because I have a good support system. I am doing well because I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I can take the well-placed, sucker punch. It dazed me. It confused me. It hurt me, but again, I rise. I forgive. I focus on the good as much as possible. Covid 19 isolation has certainly challenged me at times, as it has so many others. Honestly, I’m very lucky I live in a remote spot and I didn’t have to come into contact with many people. We’ve had a few restrictions lifted to include what is referred to as “bubbles.” I didn’t have to think twice about who my first “bubble” was going to be; Dakota and Presley. Looking forward to a visit from Presley today for the first time in a long time. FaceTime is great, but there is nothing that beats the real thing in person. This little girl helps keep me grounded and focusing on the small, simple things that typical four year old’s are interested in. She reminds me constantly about the tolerance and acceptance we need to focus on for women of colour in New Brunswick.
My Gloves Are Up
I have had plenty of people underestimate me throughout my life. They underestimated me in many different areas in which I excel. Sometimes it takes longer for some to figure out than others. They are always inevitably surprised. I haven’t always won, but I have left my mark. I have left scars that are not easily hidden. My scars are also there for all to see. The difference is I don’t hide mine. I talk about them. It’s one of the best ways to heal from what is ailing my mind. There’s been a fire in my heart for a long time. It’s always burning, forcing me to constantly look for ways to improve myself and to look for ways that I can make a difference. When I give myself to something, I give my all. When I gave my very best to something and end up with a slap in the face, its time for a reality check. Though I will probably never know the “why’ for certain, I have my own suspicions. Disappointing actions from people who I thought very highly of, and expected better from, and was under the impression they were tolerant and supportive of me; evidently I was wrong. I swallowed the feeble excuses and well-rehearsed, explanations that I was fed. It took me a little longer to see things clearly in my most recent disappointment, because the Covid 19 crisis started to take it’s toll on my mental health along with many, many others. For me it was the unknown, and the lack of reassurance from those who were “in the know”, around me. I’m always going to be too much for some people. Their loss, not mine. The loss is burning in flames and the phoenix that emerges will have more fortitude, determination, and strength than before I got burned.
Full Speed Ahead
I took the hit I was given, and let it sink in. It hurt, there’s no denying it. It doesn’t anymore. Sometimes we need to gain a new perspective from those who are outside the circle and not involved. Sometimes new perspective is gained sitting in a room full of people you thought you could trust with your vulnerability, but, it turns out you couldn’t. That’s okay. It builds strength. It builds fortitude, It builds experience. I take these lessons with me with to each new endeavor that I undertake. For now, I’m spending the weekend with my granddaughter and I’m going to enjoy every single minute of it. It’s been so long. She brings everything into perspective. The gloves will be back on again on Monday. I never want a battle, but rest assured, I will never back down from one.
Love ya’ll! Stay well and stay safe. – Jen